Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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