Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
