allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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