omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is the high leading the old right now
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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