can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
