On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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