i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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