It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
