New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Your cock deserves a montage
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
