Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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