Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
