Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
