I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
