Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
