my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
