meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
