Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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