i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
