its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
