I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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