I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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