so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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