I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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