I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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