i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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