I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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