Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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