he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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