After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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