New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
