I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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