This is not my ceiling
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize