What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
