so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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