I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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