that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
