R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
