Do you still have your period?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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