There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
