I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
