Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
