Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
