Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
