I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
