I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
