my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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