I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
