Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
