Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
