There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
