she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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