Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
