Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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