That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
