burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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