I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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