If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
