so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
